Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

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When I pray at night I ask God to watch over my family, to give me strength and wisdom. I even pray for my ex husband. Not that he get hit with a bolt of lightning or anything. I pray for his happiness. Lastly, I pray please God don’t let me die. As if I have any control over the situation.

But I do wonder what would happen if I died? Would my children be okay? What about the IEP’s, seizures, college for Harrison, and what will Sydney do after high school? I know that my family would make sure they are okay. I just worry about them if I die before them.

I keep telling myself that it is not Harrison’s responsibility to take care of Sydney. Will she be independent and live alone? Or will she have to live in a group home? Will they live with their dad? I could play the “what if” game all day.

One thing I know for sure is that when I do sleep, it is peaceful. I know I’ve done everything in my power to provide for my children. I’ve been criticized for not putting myself before my children. Huh? Don’t our children’s needs come before our own? I’ve been told to focus on my own happiness. So, I’m supposed to be Living La Vida Loca, while my house is “under construction”. I see how far we’ve come as a family and that makes me happy. I have no regrets.

I know I won’t live forever. I just pray that God allows me enough time on this earth to see my children reach their full potential. I face this fear daily. I’m doing my best not to let this consume me and appreciate life.

I have to begin thinking about guardianship for Sydney. And other options that I have.  I will begin to research early so that I not overwhelmed. I’m thankful for the parents that I have met. Many of them have already experienced this with their children.  They will be a great resource.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Philippians 4:6

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