It’s My Anniversary

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It wasn’t until I was doing calendar activities with my first graders. That I remembered that October 16th was near. That was the day of love. Better known as my wedding anniversary.

As I write this blog today. I am in a better place than I was back in October 2013. At that time, I had only been divorced for five months. That day I was hot mess.

I found the strength to take Harrison and Sydney to school. In my comfy pajamas by the way. When I returned back to my parents house. I baked a pan of brownies and began my pity party.

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I tried to write in my journal. But it wasn’t calming for me that day. The notifications from the text messages on my phone were music to my ears. It was great that my friends thought of me. But I was in no mood to talk.

Instead, I went back to bed and watched Diary of A Mad Black Woman, and Waiting to Exhale. Did I mention I also had my pan of brownies and a fork? Then, I listened to Mary J. Blige, Toni Braxton and every sad R&B breakup song I could remember.

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My eyes were puffy and my nose raw and red. I was on my second box of Kleenex when mommy knocked on the door. I asked her if she could pick up the kids for me. There was no way I could leave the house. She replied, “No.”

I gave her my best Sydney look. Then I asked her again. Her reply didn’t change. Doesn’t she know I am grieving? I am broken, lost, depressed, hurt, and ready to cry in an instant.

Today I know why she answered the way that she did. She basically told me to pull my shit together. Because I had two children to take care of and they needed me. She wasn’t being mean. I cried on her shoulder and daddy’s shoulder many times when I moved to Delaware. But if mommy had allowed me to stay in bed that day. It would have been damaging for me. I guess it is similar to my conversation that I had with Sydney. The day I told her to get it together and show people the real Syd.

October 16th won’t be a day that I dread. It is reminder of a love that I had and the two beautiful miracles that make my life wonderful.  I still might enjoy a brownie. But not the entire pan this time.

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All Of The Above

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Yes, I remember using a scantron sheet. Or better yet, I used the Blue Book to take my exams. You know how I love my pencils. So, I was always prepared with enough sharpened No. 2 pencils.

Standardized tests were not my friend. I would become physically sick staring at the test, watching the clock and seeing everyone finish before me. When all else fails. I would always pick choice D. all of the above.

Lately, I find myself looking for answers. The problem is that the choices that I have to choose from aren’t appealing to me. I can’t pick choice A that is too obvious. I do like choices B and C. But then doubt creeps in and I feel anxious.

Sometimes the answers that we are searching for are not right in front of us. We might actually have to lay some ground work before we can select the right answer.

What if I pick the wrong answer? I can just erase it right? There are things that we choose in our lives that can’t be erased. So choose wisely. And pray for a discerning spirit of wisdom. It took me more time than I would have liked. But, I am finally at peace with the answer that I selected. No erasers and no turning back now.

Clean Up In Aisle 4

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The sound of glass shattering is a sound that alway makes me jump. What does it sound like when your heart is broken? What is the sound that you hear when trust has been violated? You would think that it would be silent. When you crash into tiny pieces. It is like a siren going off and a wake up call in your life.

We all have felt broken in life. Our spirits have been broken, our hearts may have been broken. And somehow we pick up the pieces and keep living. I remember feeling broken thinking how in the world will I bounce back from my situation.

I was like that mirror you drop and it breaks into hundreds of pieces. Just when you think you have your mess all cleaned up. You walk and step on a piece of glass that was left behind.

That setback can either damage you or push you forward. Instead of dwelling on the past. You need to make peace with your pieces. Yes, it might be a hot mess. But you must have peace in your spirit before you can heal.

How do you make peace with the pieces? You have to confront the situation and not sweep it under the rug. Put on your full armor and handle your business. You will be whole again, I promise.

 

My Parenting Fail

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We all have had a parenting fail. Some of us more than others. In the end, we are reminded of  how much we love our children. And how we do all that we can to raise them to be productive citizens.

I advocate for Harrison and Sydney. It has become second nature to me. For the past two years, middle school has been rough for Sydney. Something just wasn’t right and I could not put my finger on it.

Sydney was smart enough to avoid work by asking for a sensory break. She didn’t like hearing the word no. Her communication was her loud screams. I didn’t want to hear from the school while I was teaching. I finally told them please don’t call me during work unless it is seizure related. I know they thought I was ghetto fabulous, but I was too tired to care.

It was very hard being told that my child had to be restrained. Then I return to my second graders at the time and continue to  teach. I am good, but not that good.

In May, I had to have a one on one with Sydney. This was not my proudest parenting moment. But I think it made a difference in her life.

My exact words were, “Syd, I need you to stop acting crazy at school!” The fact that she looked at me and rolled her eyes. Let me know that she knew exactly what I meant. I explained to her that she is smart. And if she wants to be included she had to find a better way to deal with her emotions.

Show your teachers you can read, write and answer math problems. I wanted her included with her peers, not just in the cafe. Syd needed to model appropriate behavior. In order for her to do that.  She had to be included.

From summer school until now. Sydney has done well at school. She is greeting people, participating more and she is not in the sensory room all day. Her butt is in the classroom working.

Did I have to call her crazy? Probably not. Tough love is needed sometimes. Not only did Sydney shock her teachers and the staff this year. She continues to amaze me with her love of learning. Now everyone go and knock on wood. So the school doesn’t call me today.

I See Your Pain

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I see your pain. Even in a crowded room it is noticeable to me. Maybe others don’t see your pain. But I do. Maybe it is because I am a professional at pretending that everything is perfect. When in reality I am living in hell.

You didn’t mean to yell at your child. You are not a bad parent. You are overwhelmed and running on empty. I see your pain as you try to participate in our conversations. Your smile is forced and your eyes look sad to me.

I can spot these signs because I have been in your shoes. You are torn. You are tired and you have no idea how you will make it. This is the lowest that you have ever been in your life. You cannot tell anyone because that will shatter the false sense of your perfect life that you are portraying. I see your pain.

You don’t know how much I would love to pull you aside and tell you to keep fighting the good fight. Your victory is coming. I am not sure how I would have responded if someone made those comments to me when I was in distress.

One thing I know for sure. Is that trouble doesn’t last always. Take the time to listen to your heart. You will gain what you have lost. Embrace a second chance with open arms. I see your pain and you don’t have to endure this alone.

 

I Am Enough

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Don’t ever let anyone tell you or make you feel like you are not enough. You might start to believe that you don’t have enough money, enough clothes, enough friends or enough rooms in your house.

You are enough. When you realize that some people get joy from making others feel inferior. You will be better off knowing this firsthand. Never be ashamed of who you are and where you came from.

You have enough love to give, and kindness to spread. You are capable to make decisions and take care of your family. When you feel like a failure or that you aren’t measuring up to everyone else. Pause, and think about just how blessed you are. Each day will have challenges. But how you deal with them determines your future.

 

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October 8, 2002

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It only took six pregnancy tests for me to accept that I was really pregnant. Me pregnant? The doctors told me that this would never happen. But God had a different plan.

As I stare out of the window on the way to Beaumont Hospital. I can’t comprehend that I am 32 weeks pregnant. I’ve just been told that I will be on bed rest in the hospital until December 1st.

I’m not nervous about the scheduled c-section. I just think I may lose my mind being confined here in the hospital. I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to my 4th grade class.

Brandi, Rob’s sister is here with me. As we wait for Rob to get here from Chrysler. I just called mommy to give her the update. She told me not to worry. I have preeclampsia. My feet and ankles are so swollen. My blood pressure is so high and I am being pumped with drugs through the IV.

Everyone is whispering. This can’t be good news. Now my doctor is telling me you will be delivered today. I am at stroke level. All I can think about is that your lungs aren’t even fully developed yet. Mommy isn’t here. The plan was for her to spend a month with me in Michigan when you were born. I am surrounded by Rob and his family. While they insert my catheter. This is awkward on so many levels.

The child that I prayed to God for is being born today. I am trying to hide my fears. But the tears are flowing down my face. Not from the spinal block, but from the unknown.

Within the next hour you were born. When I saw you. You looked like a little fragile bird. Not only were you 2 lbs. 14oz. You didn’t cry much before they took you to the NICU. For the next two months you would stay in the NICU. I would visit you every day.
Harrison Noah Copher you made a grand entrance in this world. And you haven’t slowed down since. I thank God that He made me your mommy. You are an incredible young man with many talents. You make a difference each day in the lives of all of the people that you meet.

We love you! Happy 15th Birthday Harry!

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He has always been a Michigan fan.  Wearing his maize and blue.