June 20, 2017 will be my divorce anniversary. I just made that holiday up. I’m really good with dates. But I can’t remember where I put my keys. The only reason why I am thinking about that date is because it is close to June 15th, which is my last teacher day of work. Robert’s birthday is also June 15th. I remember telling him I gave him the best birthday gift he asked for, a divorce. I only had to give up my life as I knew it. Yes, there was a financial cost. But the emotional cost was much greater.
Harrison is really maturing. He’s very open to talk with me about everything and I do mean everything. Lately, I feel like I don’t have the answers to his questions. I don’t want to be dishonest. I know the truth shall set you free. Is he ready for the truth? I believe that he may be ready. Or do I remain silent and allow him to discover the truth on his own. To my surprise he does know more than I thought that he knew.
Robert, when Harrison asks me if you are dead because you don’t return his calls. What do I tell him? What do I tell him when he asks if you are coming to visit? See, I had my list of go to answers and scriptures. Now the well is dry and I am out of answers.
I am being as classy as I can to raise these kids the best I know how. I don’t doubt that you love you kids. I am sure that a day doesn’t go by without their faces popping into your mind. I stopped sending you pictures and updates. I stopped inviting you to IEP meetings for Sydney. I don’t ask you to meet us at the hospital for appointments for Syd anymore. Seeing my children disappointed because of you makes me sad. Are you mad at me? Please don’t take it out on our children. What do I tell your children? Do you have a reason? An excuse? Give me something and I’ll put my own spin on the story.
I think sometimes you think that Sydney doesn’t understand. Well she does. She goes to the window and says “Is that my dad?”. When she sees your picture she knows who you are.
Harrison said he doesn’t know how to feel about you. Should he hate you or love you. That is too much for a 14-year-old to carry. He already carries Sydney in his heart. What do I tell your kids about you?
Since you have given me no choice. All I can do is tell them to pray for you. Our children love family and you took that away from them. But they gained a community, a city and a state that love them. Hell, they gained love from over 50 states and several countries.
Be prepared the next time that you see your children. They really want to talk to you. Only you can answer the questions that they have for you. They want to hear the explanation from your mouth not mine. In the meantime. I will keep on being the momma and the daddy. I will speak of you in a positive way. I don’t mind if you hurt me but don’t hurt my babies. Even if you are trying to hurt me. The scripture says, NO weapon formed against me shall prosper. ~Isaiah 54:17
Just when I think that they have forgotten about you. Harrison will bring up your name and recall a memory of something that you did together. And it is as if the wounds open all over again.
Tomorrow’s Blog: Overcoming My Fear Of………..