When I left work at 8:30 pm Wednesday night. I was looking forward to picking Sydney up from my parents house. Then going home to spend some time with Harrison. Before we would have to get up early the next day.
When I arrived at my parents house. Sydney was upstairs. Before I could get upstairs. I could hear her voice. It was a sound a mother knows. I had a feeling in my stomach. All I could think of was not tonight. Any night but just not tonight.
Autism doesn’t take a day off. The time change, the change in her schedule, Sydney being tired, the fact I didn’t let her wear the blue dress all could have led us to this very moment.
I haven’t felt that helpless in a long time. Sydney was having a meltdown. Her aggression and frustration overwhelmed me. She had the strength of an army. The more I prayed, the louder she screamed.
How do I keep her safe? She’s taller than me now and I had difficultly trying to have her sit on the floor with me. Thank God I am with family. No judgement zone. But what if I was at the park, church, or a doctor’s appointment?
The episode was finally over. But my tears were just starting. I made sure she was calm enough for the ride home. When we arrived home. Harrison came to the rescue and we all sang to her. Blackbird by The Beatles.
Sydney didn’t fall asleep until 11:00 pm. She was calmer but still whimpered. I would have to wait until the next day to investigate. What the hell just happened?
I felt defeated. I felt hopeless and I felt lost. I didn’t focus on all of the success that Sydney has accomplished. The visions of the meltdown played over in my head nonstop. I went to the bathroom sat on the edge of the tub and cried.
In moments like that I feel so alone and angry. Then I snap out of it. Have a little talk with Jesus and pray that tomorrow will be a better day.
I will have these days. My goal is to keep Syd safe. I reached out to the special ed department in my district. I asked if I could attend the next CPI training as a “parent”. A parent never wants to have their child restrained. I would feel better if I have the knowledge of what to do in a situation that escalates quickly.
Tomorrow’s blog is much happier. It is proof that weeping may endure for a night but joy always comes in the morning.