Inside The Mind of A Special Needs Mom

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Our Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want. This is crazy. I am mixing the Lord’s Prayer with Psalm 23. I can’t believe I forgot to set the timer when all of this happened. I’m not sure how long her seizure lasted. She doesn’t need her rescue medicine. At least I don’t think that she does.

At least she is quiet now. Maybe I should try to move her to the sensory room. Look at me. I am sitting criss cross applesauce on the floor. I am impressed. Not sure how long I can sit like this though. Oh no! My foot just fell asleep. What next Jesus?

Maybe I should call my sissy. But by the time she gets here. Sydney’s episode just might be over. This is when I wish I had two people. Harrison needs a break. I don’t want to bother him. This is not his responsibility. I am the parent. I can handle this. I wonder if my neighbors can hear us. They probably have their own drama going on.  I’m really over thinking this.

This isn’t my Sydney. Her eyes are glazed. But she calls me mom. So I know she knows who I am. I want to praise her for being silent and calm. But I am afraid to speak. Will my voice be a trigger? At least it is summer and she doesn’t have school tomorrow.

I am exhausted and I need sleep. I still have to work tomorrow. My body has experienced every emotion from sadness and frustration, to trying to pray for peace. This isn’t the worst thing that could happen. It just has me second guessing ever decision and action that I make when it comes to parenting a child with autism.  Everyone has their opinion. But I am the only one knee deep in the trenches here.

Autism will not defeat me. I have embraced it. Autism will not destroy me. I will continue to learn and understand it. Sydney just said she is very sleepy. This might be my only chance to make a break for it and get her to my bed. Because of her seizure I will have her sleep with me. That way I can keep an eye on her. We are almost on the steps. She’s crying and this time I really do see tears. I think this is PMS. I feel like crying too. But if I cry this won’t help us.

Harrison has no clue what is going on. I am glad. Who cares about pajamas tonight. Just get her in bed. My eyes are heavy and the sound of her cry makes me feel helpless. God I hope I am doing the right thing. If I rub her back she has to fall asleep soon. Stop fighting it Sydney. Maybe if I tell her she is safe, her body will relax.

I refuse to move. I hear her snoring. She’s out for the night. When I glanced at my phone. I noticed that I did set the timer. This entire experience took 3 minutes and 46 seconds. I thought for sure that 15 minutes had elapsed.

In 3 minutes and 46 seconds I made many decisions. Felt many emotions and prayed for a miracle. The thoughts inside a special needs mom’s head are spinning all around. Is this similar to what Sydney feels on a daily basis? I can’t even imagine.

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