I’ve Been To Hell

imageI told you in a previous blog that I was taught that hell was hot.  So believe me when I say that I was not trying to go there willingly.

My life has led me to highs and lows.  When I experienced the lowest moments I didn’t think that I would be able to walk boldly again.

What did being in hell teach me?  It taught me that I am beautiful, loving, forgiving, strong, smart, courageous, a force to be reckoned with.

At one point in my life the hell I lived in was loneliness and sadness. I just graduated from college and I needed to make a decision to stay in Michigan or move to Delaware.  If I had moved, I would not have Harrison and Sydney and that just doesn’t seem possible to me.

I realized that I was stronger than people gave me credit for.  I was able to manage being a wife and a teacher with great balance.  Then I went through hell battling infertility. It was then that I felt less and a complete failure.  Every time I went through hell, I didn’t stay there. I found a way to crawl out.

Autism took me to the hottest part of hell. It burned at my soul, made me cry, had me puzzled and confused.  Autism made me fight for Sydney. It was in that hell that I lost hope.  I couldn’t find the positive in anything.  Each day felt like a chore, the unknown of the next minute was torture.  Friends stop calling, and all we had was each other.

My baby daddy, bless his heart.  When we speak we are cordial.  But when I think about the hell that my divorce took me through, that is a grief that I can’t put into words.  If I couldn’t save my marriage, I wondered how I could possibly raise my children alone. Looking back over my life and all that I have experienced.  Hell couldn’t hold me down, couldn’t silence my voice, couldn’t make me evil.  My hell gave me the power and authority that has people wonder why I am always smiling.


I went through hell and it should have burned and broken me. But instead going through hell makes me look a situation in the eye, head on with a smile.  There is a story in the Bible about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.  They were three Hebrew men that were thrown into a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar for not bowing down to the king’s image.  While they were in the furnace, they didn’t burn. A fourth figure appeared in the furnace and when the King saw that he knew he had to let them out. God’s spirit was with them and kept them safe from harm. The three Hebrew men walked out of a fiery furnace unharmed.

I don’t know what hell you are facing today. You might have to walk through hell, dance your way out, or crawl out of hell.  Trust me when I tell you, just when you are at the point of giving up that is when you walk out of the flames.





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