Is This Depression?


I’m wearing a lot of black lately.  But black goes with everything.  Maybe I should add in a splash of color. People probably think I am in mourning.  I love staying at home. Am I depressed or just tired?  Keep in mind I am trying to make up for sleep from 2008.

Depression is real.  And nothing to be ashamed of.  We all know people who have battled depression.  You yourself may be dealing with depression now.  Suffering from depression shouldn’t have a stigma attached to it.  Know the signs of the depression in order to help others or even to help yourself.

One day I realized that I missed the old me.  The happy me, the one whose smile would light up a room.  Something changed. I admit I tried to hide it and fake it with a smile. I didn’t need a doctor to tell my I was depressed. I knew it.  Those that knew me saw the signs.  Some ignored them and it was business as usual.

At first I tried to fix myself.  The impulse shopping,  and comfort eating weren’t working.  They really only made the situation worse. I still socialized with people but I never truly told them what I was experiencing.

I decided to see a therapist and I didn’t like what he said.  You see he was telling me the truth but I was disobedient, hurt, sad and wanted a fairy tale ending.  It took a long time for me to accept what my therapist was saying.  I would feel great on my way to the appointment, and great during the session.  But depressed on the way home because it was back to reality.

One night Sydney was having a difficult night. She had two seizures and instead of being exhausted, she was energized.  I remember sitting on the floor of her room next to the night-light. She would scream and cry.  The only thing I could do was write.  I didn’t want to leave her in the room alone. So I grabbed a purple crayon and her coloring book.  I began to write on the inside covers of her coloring book.  Before I knew it I wrote my first blog. But I didn’t know it at the time. After I ran out of space in her coloring books. I grabbed a piece of construction paper and wrote a poem.  When I am ready I will share it with you.

I admit I was embarrassed to ask for help and to let my family know I was battling with depression.  But they already knew and prayed on my behalf. We will all go through  times in our lives when you just can’t find a way to feel happiness. It is a struggle to get out of bed. It is a struggle to go to work.

Recognize your feelings and ask for support.  My writing and my children were my motivators to get through autism, work, my divorce and health issues.  On days when I feel like I am going in a funk.   I read the poem written on purple crayon on construction paper.   It is a reminder that I can overcome any obstacle that I face.

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