It wasn’t until I was doing calendar activities with my first graders. That I remembered that October 16th was near. That was the day of love. Better known as my wedding anniversary.
As I write this blog today. I am in a better place than I was back in October 2013. At that time, I had only been divorced for five months. That day I was hot mess.
I found the strength to take Harrison and Sydney to school. In my comfy pajamas by the way. When I returned back to my parents house. I baked a pan of brownies and began my pity party.
I tried to write in my journal. But it wasn’t calming for me that day. The notifications from the text messages on my phone were music to my ears. It was great that my friends thought of me. But I was in no mood to talk.
Instead, I went back to bed and watched Diary of A Mad Black Woman, and Waiting to Exhale. Did I mention I also had my pan of brownies and a fork? Then, I listened to Mary J. Blige, Toni Braxton and every sad R&B breakup song I could remember.
My eyes were puffy and my nose raw and red. I was on my second box of Kleenex when mommy knocked on the door. I asked her if she could pick up the kids for me. There was no way I could leave the house. She replied, “No.”
I gave her my best Sydney look. Then I asked her again. Her reply didn’t change. Doesn’t she know I am grieving? I am broken, lost, depressed, hurt, and ready to cry in an instant.
Today I know why she answered the way that she did. She basically told me to pull my shit together. Because I had two children to take care of and they needed me. She wasn’t being mean. I cried on her shoulder and daddy’s shoulder many times when I moved to Delaware. But if mommy had allowed me to stay in bed that day. It would have been damaging for me. I guess it is similar to my conversation that I had with Sydney. The day I told her to get it together and show people the real Syd.
October 16th won’t be a day that I dread. It is reminder of a love that I had and the two beautiful miracles that make my life wonderful. I still might enjoy a brownie. But not the entire pan this time.