I’m Not Alone

If I remind myself that we went to New York City without any meltdowns. I will feel better. This is when I have the stress of a combat soldier. I’m not making that up. There have been studies that show that my statement is a fact.

I’m not sure if she saw a picture of a barbarian or if she’s calling me a barbarian. All I know is that she’s been crying for an hour. I stepped on the front porch for a second and closed the door. Probably not my smartest move. But I felt as if I was suffocating inside. I really wanted to know if my neighbors could hear the screams. And yes, you can hear them loud and clear.

This is meltdown number three. I could blame it on her homework packet. I could blame it on her “lady days”. Or it could just be autism on its toughest day.

She hasn’t tried to harm herself in years. I was shocked and screamed at her when I saw her hitting her head with the iPad. What the hell is happening? I have to be honest and document this on her communication log with the school. I’m sure that her teachers think I’m cray cray for advocating for Sydney. Especially when her behavior is like this.

It’s been over an hour and I’m already thinking I better take her to school. Instead of her riding the bus in the morning. Did I miss a seizure? It’s not like I just sit and stare at her all day. Maybe I should be doing that.

I’m not stress eating, like I would have done in the past. I think I lost another inch. I can’t mess that up. My cardiologist said to relax and watch my stress level. Bye Felecia!!! Not happening.

I know I’m not alone. I could call my family. I have friends that said they will come over in an instant. Now she’s not crying, she’s talking about everything. She’s naming dead relatives, places in Michigan, her Christmas list and grocery list.

Jesus take me not the wheel. Not really take me back to heaven Jesus. Just take “this”, this autism for today. Just for today. I promise I’ll take it back tomorrow.

I may have been raised catholic but I need to pray like a Baptist preacher right now. I know the Lord forgives me for yelling and cursing earlier. I’m gonna pray like the mother’s of the church with those big hats on in the front pews of the church.

She screamed. I prayed louder. I put on my Jesus music and prayed like I was trying to raise someone from the dead. I know Jesus. I haven’t been to church. But you know my heart.

One of us will break and dammit it won’t be me. Today autism sucks and so do all of those freaking puzzle pieces. I’ve gone bankrupt getting Syd help and I’m still dealing with this shit. Yes, I love the Lord and I still say shit.

I need a plan. A different plan. I need answers. I need to open that bottle of Love Noir that I’ve been saving. I’m not alone. I may have felt alone. But I’m not alone. It’s not always pretty. I definitely feel like I’ve set us back because of my feelings today.

I know God hears me. I know he loves me. I believe in miracles. I believe in healing. I know I can take my burdens to the Lord. I’m not alone. This too shall pass. Pass like labor pains without an epidural. But it will pass.

I must have missed something. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe this is just a day in the life of autism. Syd’s brain is firing off something. And it breaks my heart that I can’t help her. She won’t remember this in the morning. But I will. I may have felt defeated. But I’m not alone.

~Brooke

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