Empty Womb

I have always loved children. I know I am not the only one that made “the list”. Sissy and I made the list of who we would marry, how old we would be, where we would live and how many children we would each have.

Of course things didn’t go as I had planned on the list. But I was blessed to begin a life with my ex and to start a family. Never did I imagine that getting pregnant would be such a struggle. I had no idea that the words infertility would be a part of my vocabulary.

I have had more surgeries than I can count. The majority of them had to do with my lady parts. Fibroid tumors, debilitating menstrual cycles and pain each month became the norm for me. After each surgery I thought the situation was getting better. But in reality it was only getting worse.

Hearing a doctor tell me that I would never have children was devastating. I felt every emotion. Anger, embarrassment, sadness, loneliness and disappointment. My ex was understanding. But the stress of just relax, it will happen was bullshit.

After a visit to see the infertility doctor. I admit I was hoping the doctor would say it was my ex and his little fellas that were the problem. Not my blunted fallopian tubes and scarred uterus. But the little fellas were just fine.

All we need is $25,000 to have a baby. And if it doesn’t work the first time. We will just try again. I quickly floated back to reality. We decided that it was all in God’s hands. We would pray and leave it at the altar. When we were ready we would adopt.  But, IVF was not an option.

We answered the difficult questions and put on fake smiles. Four years would pass. Ironically,  I would be in Delaware visiting my family when I found out I was pregnant with Harrison. Eight positive pregnant tests later. God granted me the desire of my heart. Not once but twice. Harrison and Sydney were picked especially for us.

Yes, my story has a happy ending. But it all took a turn for the worse. Divorce, autism, and epilepsy almost broke me. But if God could bring me through infertility and perform a miracle on my behalf. I had no choice but to walk by faith.

If you are battling infertility today. There are no easy answers. Every journey is unique. I refused to believe what the doctors told us. I knew I could be a foster mom, a mom to my students and a mom to my niece. I realized that you don’t have to carry a child, and give birth to a child to be considered a mother. People often lose sight of that.

God’s plan and God’s timing are never wrong. My empty womb showed me the process of giving birth to life, ideas, and hope for a better future. You never know what a couple is going through. Choose kind words always.


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